"I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down."
Defeat is a part of life. Losing. Feeling like a loser. We all face it.
I have felt particularly defeated this week. I was so excited about book 3 - A Stolen Wish - and then Friday night had a total breakdown about it, sobbing because I was convinced I was a failure.
The next morning I was fitted for my costume for the play I'm in. I looked in the mirror and didn't see a swan. I didn't see an ugly duckling either. I saw Miss Trunchbull from Matilda.
It was bad.
The whole past week it's been like every time I get back up, someone trips me.
Fed up, I watched my step and whirled around to see who it was that kept pushing me down.
It was me.
It's almost always me.
Not once in the last week did anyone say anything to me that implied I was worthless, that I couldn't do what I was trying to do. When I spoke to a friend about my book, she was encouraging and helpful - so why was I so down? When I tried on my outfit, my cast mate and the seamstress were pleased with the look, so why did I find me so hideous?
All week, people have been as they often are - kind, a bit indifferent, or oblivious. None of them sought to pick on me or knock me down a peg.
So why am I knocking me down?
I think sometimes we are our own biggest obstacles. There's a fear that comes with risks, a fear of failure. So before we have the chance to fail, we stop ourselves from trying.
I may be a tiny part in this play, but that's not going to keep me from walking out in whatever outfit they put me in (strangely enough, I'll be getting a new outfit 2 days before opening night...now if I thought I was nervous before...).
I will write my books. I will write them regardless if I understand "story structure" or whether or not other writers will think I suck at what I do. I can't worry about what they think of me - but let's be honest, they aren't thinking about me. I'd bet they're too busy dealing with their own problems just like I am mine.
It's not any one else's job to make me feel good about myself. It's not even a job I can do on my own most of the time. I had to reach out and ask for help from the one who made me who I am. I had to remember my worth isn't in my looks or my writing, or even how "nice" or "good" I am every day.
My worth comes from being a daughter of the most high.
Sometimes we face defeat. We get knocked down. Often it's our own doing. But we don't have to stay there.
I found my reminder of who I am. I got back up. There's a saying "Fall down seven times, get up eight."
Defeat is a part of life, but it isn't a permanent placement.
If you're staring defeat in the face, remember who you are. You're a swan. A child of the Most High.
You are worth so much more than this defeat will make you feel.
You can do this. You can get back up. Trust me, I know from experience.
Reply to this email if you feel me on this - or if you need to express your own defeat and maybe hear a word of encouragement. I can't always fix the problem, but I can lend a hand to help you get your feet back under you.
Thanks for listening, my lovely flock. You make my life a thousand times better.
Kelsey Up Again Swan