I've never been the best at making friends. I always feel like they're just pitying me, and that's why they spend time with me. It's a lie I've dealt with since I was a kid.
Those lies creep back in on a regular basis. Have you ever heard of the term EGR? It means "Extra Grace Required" and it's used for when someone is really trying or frustrating, but you have to remember it requires extra grace on your part to be around them.
I often feel like I might be an EGR.
"Kelsey? Yeah she's okay. I'm just glad she doesn't live closer. I don't think I could stand being around her that much."
"Ugh, Kelsey's coming. She's so needy."
"Sure, I'll go, but don't invite Kelsey. I don't really feel like listening to her machine gun ratatatat fast talking."
"I thought she was your friend?"
"Oh, she is. She's just someone you can only tolerate for so long."
Do people say these things about me?
They aren't saying them to my face, so there's no REAL way to know, but you want to know something?
We think about ourselves more often than we think about other people.
Cue the shock! Cue the pandemonium! We humans think about ourselves!
The thing is, while I'm busy wondering if people feel badly about me...if maybe I'm their EGR friend...they're worried about themselves.
They aren't wasting their time thinking about me 9 times out of 10. Just like I'm not wasting my time thinking ill thoughts about you.
Not once do I ever receive and email from one of you amazing people and think "oh great. You again." Nor do I ever think "What a stupid story" when you send me those.
I'm more concerned, when I see your email, about what might be in the contents about ME.
"What if they hated the email list or something I said, so now they're replying with hate mail?!"
See? Even something about you is something about me.
We get so caught up in it, don't we? So caught up in worrying over what people think of us. If we're a bother to society, our family, our friends.
Truth is, sometimes we are. I think most of the time, it's all in our heads. When we stop and focus "This isn't about them, it's about me, and only I can control how I react to these thoughts," we stop the lies.
We stop the doubt.
We welcome ourselves and learn to appreciate the things we bring to the table.
Embracing your swanitude isn't just about looking at yourself in the mirror and saying "Damn, I look good." (But I do hope you feel good about yourself. You're beautiful)
It's about accepting who you are, inside and out--who you were made to be. You serve a purpose. Without you, the world would be a darker place.
Keep being a light. You aren't the Annoying Friend. You might annoying at times, but you are loved. Believe it in yourself and others will want to know what spring you've been drinking from and how they, too, can get a taste.
Kelsey Occasionally Annoying Swan