In Part 1 (Stop Lying!), I talked about a friendship that I recently realized (thank you ReWrite 2015) was super abusive and started a lot of the lies I believe today.
"I'm the pretty one. You're the funny one."
That sentence set me up for a world of failure because in the moment my friend (whom I truly don't blame...she had her own lies that led to this) said this to me, I believed it.
This conversation was in regards to boys. Boys liked my friend (because, let's be honest, she is beautiful. That will never change nor should it) just from first meeting. As an extrovert, she also had an outgoing personality that interacted well with the opposite sex.
I, on the other hand, was kind of the ugly duckling. Awkward, didn't love having to wash and dry my hair, gangly, and buck-toothed. I was the funny one. The friend. Boys didn't like me, they considered me one of them.
I grew up, but I never stopped believing that I was still that little duckling. I never saw that, along the way, I'd turned into a swan.
I can write this today because - despite the lies that still try to drag me down - today, a handsome young man reminded me of the truth I already know.
I am the swan. I HAVE TO remember this, because no man can teach me this. I have to know this for myself.
It's a truth I'm trying to accept for myself, and sometimes people can help you accept truths.
Today I went to lunch with one of my best friends, Esca (or Rachelle, but I call her Esca). Let me tell you how amazingly beautiful my friend is....wait, no, just look at this photo.
There, now you KNOW how amazingly gorgeous she is. Because she is!
We went to grab a quick lunch at Five Guys and a handsome young worker took our order and interacted in a friendly could-have-been-flirty-if-we-had-more-time way.
But it wasn't just directed at the modelesque Rachelle. I was included.
Because I'm a swan.
In that moment, I was reminded that I grew up. I'm a grown up, lovely woman. Why do I ever have a hard time believing this?
See, even as I type it, I have to stop that lie that says "Don't be vain. You're hardly worth looking at."
That's the voice I'm battling every. single. day. As if thinking well of myself isn't being "humble".
Are you kidding me?
My Brosef is a humble human being. He doesn't waste his time using vanity or puffery. He just is awesome and is humble in his amazing accomplishments.
Does my brother walk around calling himself ugly or lowly because that's "humility"?
My brother knows he's a handsome guy, friendly, awesome, and worth knowing. He knows he's worthwhile and that isn't vanity.
He tries to tell me I have to think the same way.
I'm working on it.
This is my struggle. This is what I'm facing.
I'm facing me.
I'm facing the "Who I think I am" and knocking her on her ass.
She's not me! She's an impostor!
It will take time, and it's going to be a hard battle, but when I win...
I'll love me as much as I'm supposed to. I'll know me.
I'll know who I am, my identity.
It's a journey.
Half the battle is realizing that there are lies.
I'm already there. I just have to start believing the truth and not faking it.
I am my Father's daughter (the God who is your father too. You are me) and I am beautiful.
Maybe if I say it every day, I'll realize it's true (isn't that like a rule somewhere?)
So to hell with the lies. I'm the beautiful daughter of my Father God, and he doesn't screw up. He made me beautiful.
You don't think I'm beautiful? Well what the **** do I care what you think?
That's right. That's part of the truth to work on.
My worth isn't found in you.
YOUR worth, isn't found in me.
So tell me (if you're brave enough)...do you ever forget that you are beautiful?
Shout out to all of my fellow Swans. Tweet if you can relate using #Swanitude (because it's fun and funny and true).