Today I am vexed.
I never know what's going to ruffle my feathers, but when it happens I'm ready to be on a rampage. The problem? Well, I'm not much of a verbal rampager. I'm far more adept at putting my purge on the page.
So, today I am vexed.
I am vexed by my own swanitude. It's hard to change your whole outlook and still have those around you treat you like the old you.
What does it take to have others see the value you see in yourself? How long do you wait for them to see it?
I've been reading the most AMAZING books lately. The Choosing by Rachelle Dekker, and Bon Bons to Yoga Pants by Katie Cross. Both books are about identity and understanding that maybe you're awesome all on your own.
If you haven't read The Choosing, I need you to stop what you're doing, follow the link and buy it for your own reading pleasure.
Lexie Greene is an overweight college student who wants to lose weight to get hot for her handsome Facebook friend Bradley. Along the way, though, Lexie is learning that maybe she shouldn't be so worried about being a size two, and instead concern herself with being healthy for herself and herself alone.
Lexie is in the early cygnet stage, but she's slowly realizing that she's a swan without a man. The reason I love BBtYP is because I know how it feels. I've never dealt with my weight the way Lexie has, but I have hella dealt with my worth.
I (and many other young women) have felt the "I'm not hot enough for a guy like Bradley" or "no one could like me 'as I am'."
Today, I am vexed on Lexie's behalf.
There's something so empowering about figuring out you are not an ugly duckling, but a spectacular swan. It's such a great experience that I hope all of you have had or will have soon.
It's also easily lost.
Finding your swanitude isn't a one time thing. You don't suddenly have permanent confidence as you rock the world with your greatness.
No, you struggle with it. Sometimes daily, hourly, or by the minute.
Today I am vexed, because today I am struggling. I'm struggling with others not seeing my swanitude. They treat me like I'm not worth their time, and they make me feel like that lie is true.
Know what? I'm more than worth their time. I'm not worthless, nor am I forgettable (even if they forget me).
I may have a hard time remembering this today, and maybe I'm tired of others acting like I'm not worth their time, but that just proves it's an uphill battle.
It's an uphill battle for Lexie, who, if I knew her in real life, I would like to tell is beautiful as she is. If the man she's been dreaming about can't see that, then she needs to tell him he isn't worth her time and move on.
There are days where I need to tell myself that, as well. I am beautiful, even if others treat me like I'm still the wallflower who belongs in the role of 'quirky best friend' and not 'leading lady'.
This is a reminder to all of the Lexie Greene's out there...you're beautiful. You're an effing swan. If someone makes you FEEL like you are WORTH LESS...maybe it's time to cut ties.
You're worth so much more.
Surround yourself with people who see your beauty (in and out). End the vexation within my soul.
Oh, and go read The Choosing and Bon Bons to Yoga Pants.