When I think about my greatest weakness, I think about failure. I think about my own low self-esteem, about failing, about never being good enough.
Who am I not being good enough for? I honestly haven't the faintest clue. There's no one to be good enough for. I am who I am and there's no way around that identity. I am the daughter of the greatest King, the highest of Highs and the most beloved sister of the Prince of Peace.
That's who I am.
So who am I afraid of being "not good enough" for?
Isn't that weird? Who am I to you? What am I? If I put my identity in you, I'm lying to myself. You can't give me self worth. The whole point is SELF worth. You can't give me self ANYTHING.
So why do I feel the need to be good enough for you? Where does this all stem from?
It stems from my dark place.
You know, the way we see the world, it's the BIG things that we assume are the dark things. After all, death of a loved one, parents getting divorced, a relationship ending, or a violation against you (physical, mental emotional...rape, assault, attack) - these are the things we KNOW will hurt/change us. We know that.
Yet so often, it's the little things that can leave deep scars we never even knew existed. Little things can cut open a piece of your heart, slip a lie in, and sew up the opening without you ever realizing it was made.
Little things can become big things.
A little thing I didn't notice has created a lie that feels so insurmountable it consumes me some days.
Once upon a time, I was a little girl in an abusive friendship (amazing how something so short lived can cause such lasting damage). I don't think either of us realized it was abusive. I honestly see, as an adult, that this friend had people in her life that put impossible standards on her. Standards that compared this person to me, because we looked different.
Unbeknownst to me, I was the method of abuse used by ANOTHER person to my friend. It may have never been said out loud. My name may never have been used, but when this other little girl was told she wasn't enough, in her head I think she thought I had what she lacked.
And so, that little girl would put me down, make ME feel I'd never be enough. She would find ways where she was superior, and I think she did that because she felt inferior.
Unfortunately, I didn't know what went on in her life, I only knew that she was (I believed) superior to me. She was better than me. She was prettier, and smarter, and better liked.
I was funnier, but hey, she had to let me have SOMETHING.
Working through my own identity, especially in the wake of my parents divorce (because part of my identity was always who I was in my awesome, whole, perfect family), I've believed the lie that I am nothing.
This is an introductory post. It's a little depressing, but sometimes the hero of the story is in a dark/contemplative place when she embarks on her noble quest.
If you're willing to come with me, we'll talk about identity and who the hell we are and the lies that I am working to stop believing.
How many of you have had toxic relationships?
(Check out part 2, part 3, and part 4 of the Swanitude discovery!)